I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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