I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
