I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
