I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize