I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
