He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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