I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
