the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I need to sanitize my soul.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
