every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
