I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
