the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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