if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I don't deserve a penis
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
