fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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