I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
