Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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