MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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