The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
