I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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