"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
