i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
