i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You can't just leave with hair like that
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
