I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
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