Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
