my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
