She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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