Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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