I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
