Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
