I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
