FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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