i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
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Do I have a choice?
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how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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