I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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