I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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