do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
