I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Randomize
