i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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