Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
