I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
We left an ass print on the piano.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
