I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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