Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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