the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize