God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
3 2 1 whiskey
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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