Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
After tacos, we're chasing women.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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