addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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