i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Randomize
