Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
