dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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