i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
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