Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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