I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
