im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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