Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
