someone threw a dead crab at me
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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