Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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