Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
