my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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