Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
