We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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