her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
