We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Pants are for mortals
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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