Im at strip club and am horny
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
