I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
