I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
