I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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