Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
