It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
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